So I’ve Been Thinking…

Photo and caption by myself 🙂

You know that indignant feeling you get when someone has wronged you? That feeling that rises up inside you and can control you in either a negative or positive way? I’ve been thinking a lot today and I’ve come to some conclusions…

What’s inside that feeling? Let’s dissect it. I think the heart of it is anger…but then again, isn’t anger and sadness really one in the same? Isn’t sadness just suppressed anger and anger is sadness that is coming to the surface? What else? I think that this feeling is like an equation…but what comes after the equal sign? That’s the real question.

Many times in the past, that feeling has gotten the best of me…made me act out of the anger inside of it…but that can be good too. I think that anger is a natural feeling and when controlled, has a very important role in life. Anger makes a person not just roll over and let someone punch them; it makes you fight back. I believe all feelings are natural…it’s what you do with them that counts.

So what do you do when that feeling comes up inside you? I’ll tell you what I have done many times but what I decided NOT to let happen today. I usually let it control me and my feelings. But isn’t that giving the person who caused it just a little too much power? In a way, isn’t that kind of unfair to them? NO ONE should have that much control over your life. If they do, you need to figure out why. YOU are the ONLY person who has that much control over your life.

You. Period.

You are all the happiness you will ever need. You are in control of your feelings and your response to those feelings. If someone has come into your life (and if they haven’t yet, they will) and you are letting their actions/non-actions control how you feel, you shouldn’t be angry at them; you should be angry at YOU. Sure, whatever he/she did may have been really bad but it’s YOUR life. You decide how you’re going to live and feel about it.

I got that feeling today and I almost acted negatively. But then…that stirring anger came up inside me and I felt it say, “NO. No one will have this much control over my day.” I put a stop to it. And you know what? I had a pretty damn good day as a result of it. And now here I am writing this post about it…hopefully helping the 3 people who read my blog. 😉

So, next time you get that feeling, remember it’s a good thing. The anger and the sadness, it’s all good. Let it be your guide but make sure you remember that what’s on the other side of the equal sign is a positive. That’s up to you. Life’s gonna throw all kinds of stuff at you. You get to decide how you take it.

Be happy, everyone. You only have one life.

 

When Your World Stops Turning

Some questions don’t have answers.

“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.”
~Robert Gary Lee

It’s crazy how life can change so much in what feels like the blink of an eye. Life is never perfect but when things are going great, it can feel that way at times…but things can quickly change and make your world stop turning. You look around at everyone else still going about their lives and you wonder how they can keep going when your world has stopped spinning.

But what does it all mean? Why are we “allowed” to go through these hard times that seem to break us into a million pieces? Some of us never recover from these difficulties…why? Why would a loving God allow this? Be honest. You have asked yourself this question. Even the person with the strongest faith has asked this question at some time in their life…and if you haven’t, you will. Is it a bad thing to question? No. Questioning is a very good thing. It allows you to work through everything. Soul searching is good. It puts strength behind your faith and your beliefs. Don’t push it away or deny its existence. Question. But also realize that some questions don’t have answers…or maybe the answers are something you will never know. Are you willing to accept that?

One year ago today at 12:24am, my mom passed away unexpectedly. I found myself asking why? I still do. I don’t understand why such a good person was allowed to die in such an awful way when there are horrible people who live to be 100. WHY? I don’t have answers. I suppose I never will until I see God face-to-face and then all will be revealed. But I trust Him. He loved my mama. And although she had pains that lasted for a short while, she is now in paradise with the One she read about and loved all her life…a promise fulfilled. The circumstances surrounding it I don’t understand. But I know that she will never suffer again. She will never cry again, never want for anything, never feel the pain of a broken heart again, never feel any pain in her body again, never be hurt by another person. Ever. I love my sweet mama and although I miss her, there is nothing better I could wish for her. The most unselfish part of me is truly happy for her now. She has a new body and she is with the One the Bible describes simply as “Love” (1 John 4:8).

Then why these tears? Why am I still sad? Why was I left behind to feel the pain that she doesn’t experience? Truthfully, I don’t know. And honestly, I have asked many times between that awful day and today for God to take me too. But God still has purpose for me. What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. God loves me and has a plan that only He knows and only I can play out. Keep asking why though and don’t see it as a bad thing. Let it strengthen you as you work through it all. Life is a process. Just decide that no matter what happens, you will never allow it to permanently bring you down. Learn from it all, the positive and the negative. And whether you believe in God or not, choose to be love in a world full of hate.

Starbucks Epiphany

Define: You

I’m sitting in Starbucks now, watching a man outside in a wheelchair.  He is paralyzed from the neck down. His wheelchair is motorized and he controls it by blowing into a breathing tube.  He has a computer in front of him and he is typing by holding a long stick (for lack of a better word) in his mouth and typing on his keyboard.  His mother (or caregiver) is there, taking care of him.  Every once in a while, she gets up and helps him to take a sip of his drink.  Such love.  Such dedication.  She is reading a book but also looks around at the people staring at her son.  I see that she’s okay with people looking but if someone looked upon him with anything negative, I can tell that she is the kind of woman who would have something to say to that person…and rightly so.

I wonder how he got that way?  So sad but he has adapted.  His mother has also adapted.  When she had a son, did she imagine it to be this way?  Most parents imagine taking care of their children until they are old enough to take care of themselves.  But this man will never be able to take care of himself.  He will always need her there.  I wonder if that makes her angry in a way or if she loves to take care of him.  She is stern.  I usually would interpret that as someone who is unhappy but maybe she is just strong-willed and it is showing up on her face.  She has been through a lot.  One thing is true: She LOVES her son.

I looked at his face as I walked by.  I can tell he is a handsome man.  I’m sure he probably wanted to be married one day, to love someone, to start a family.  But now his reality is sitting in that chair.  But what else?  Does his chair define him?  He didn’t look sad.  He didn’t look distraught or unhappy in any way.  He looked content.  There is something to be learned from these two…

First of all, stop complaining.  No matter how bad you think you have it, someone somewhere has it worse than you.  Maybe I have it better than this man typing on a keyboard with a stick but at the same time, he can also look out and see that he has it better off than someone else.  It’s perspective.  Maybe I think I am better off than him because I have full use of my body.  But what type of peace and love does he feel in his own life?  What I see as negative, maybe he doesn’t see that way.  Maybe he could look at me and believe he is better off than me?

Second, your life isn’t always going to turn out the way you thought it would.  Does that mean that life is over?  Over because your perfect life plan didn’t turn out the way you thought it would? No.  You adapt.  Sometimes your life is headed the way you direct it and others, it may be pushed a certain way by God, fate or circumstances beyond your control.  But what do you do when things are beyond your control or you are pushed?  Adapt.  We, as human beings have a great ability to adapt…and not only adapt, but SHINE.  So, your life isn’t what you thought it would be…get on with it.  There is reason and purpose for everything.  You aren’t dead yet so keep fighting.  Don’t give up.

Don’t define yourself by anything negative, ever.  It won’t help you.  It will only hurt you in the long run.  For years, I have called myself a sinner.  But recently, I am opening my mind a little more and seeing things in a new light.  I am NOT a sinner.  I sin but sinning does NOT define me.  Therefore, I am a good person, a person full of good and positive.  Yes, I sin, lie, cheat, speak hateful words at times, make bad decisions, etc.  But is that who I am or are those things just byproducts of weak moments in my life?  Am I a liar?  No.  Do I lie?  Yes.  What defines me?  Compassion, empathy, trust, honesty, faith, loyalty, LOVE.

Watching this young man and his mother today, I can’t help but wonder how each of them would define themselves.  I wonder if they both have peace with the way their life is or if it is a constant battle.  I pray for them now that they will see the beauty of what they have and that peace will find them if they have not found it yet.

What defines you?  It’s something to think about.

Related article: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/73

Benefits to Second Floor Apartment Life

The balcony at our new apartment: I’m in love. We’re on the 2nd floor and it overlooks a hill covered in trees. It makes me feel like I live in a cozy treehouse, not and apartment next to a busy highway.
What a stress reliever this spot has become in my life. At my old house, I lived by a lake and that lake was my stress reliever. I would go sit out on a rock there and literally feel my worries melting away. I was worried about not having something like this when I moved but now I have this balcony. Oh, and I don’t have to worry about snakes to get there!
Nature is just so calming, like a soothing balm to my stresses. I can come out here with the weight of the world on my shoulders and within 5 minutes, feel them melting away like ice on a sunny day.
What place/activity helps you to de-stress?

My Loves

I LOVE Strawberry Daiquiri!

Yeah, I love a new pair of shoes just like any girl.  I love to shop and have girly pampering days…but what makes me really happy?  All that is fun, but it doesn’t set my heart on fire.  What do I really love that defines me?

• I love that feeling of the sun resting on my skin, warming me from the inside out…a happy feeling.
• I love the sound the earth makes when I’m hiking.  You know, that crunch, crunch, crunch.
• I love the way October smells.  I can’t pinpoint it but every year I notice it and it brings back memories of a simpler time when I didn’t have as many worries.
• I love my dad.  Being with him makes me feel like a little girl again.  He makes me feel safe.
• Weirdly, I love the empty spot left in my heart after my mom passed.  It’s meant to be empty and it’s meant to hurt.  That means she did a good job.
• I love Christmas music.  I have been known to listen to it all year round.  On a bad day, a chorus of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” can change everything.
• My newest love: Photography.
• I love hearts.  They make me happy.
• I love music.  LOVE.
• My favorite thing to do on Saturday morning is sit outside, listening to the sounds and sipping my coffee.
• Coffee.  Another love.  Enough said.
• I love the sound of a cat purring.
• I love that feeling I get in my stomach when I’m about to see someone I haven’t seen in a long time.
• Candle lit bubble baths.
• I love to read a book for the first time and get to that part where it’s so good that I can’t put it down.
• I love the feeling I get after I work out.  I feel exhausted but strong all at the same time and like I can conquer the world.

These are just a few of the things I love.  Some may be unique, some not so much.  But they make me “me.”  What do you love?

Help a Girl Out!

Mont Saint Michel, France

If you enjoy good photos and like to support good photography, please help me by clicking on the following link and voting for my photo. If I can get 250 votes, my photo will be eligible to be seen on a national TV commercial. Thanks so much!

http://instaprints.com/contests/national-tv-instagram-contest.html?tab=vote&artworkid=4174402
Did you know?
If you say “gullible” really slow, it sounds like “oranges.”  Really, try it!

😉

Just a Reminder

You have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring. Show your love to those in your life. Are you not speaking to someone? Make it right before it’s too late. The argument won’t matter to you anymore once that person is no longer around. Make every moment count. Life is too short and much too fragile. Love so much that it hurts. Love with fierceness.

Just thinking about my mom a lot lately and wanted to remind everyone what I wrote in my blog entitled “What A Difference A Day Can Make.”  Show your love to those you love, even if you don’t like them much right now.  Just make things right.  I’m open for conversation if anyone needs help with this.  It’s important and you’re running out of time.

Contact me here.

The RIGHT Thing to Say…

When you know someone who is going through the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to know the right thing to say.  I’ve been on the other side of this and let me tell you, it can be hard to know what to say or do sometimes.  I’m not necessarily here to tell you what to say but I’d like to tell you what NOT to say.

About 5 minutes after my mom left this world, I received a text from someone saying, “Praise the Lord!”  This person was referring to the fact that my mom was with Jesus.  This is true, but let me tell you something.  When you’re sitting next to your loved one’s bedside only minutes after they pass, it is not a “Praise the Lord” type of moment.  Truthfully, it pissed me off.  I wanted to call this person and tell them off.  I felt truly hopeless at that moment.  I didn’t want my mom to be with Jesus!  I wanted her here, with me.  I wanted to talk to her again and be with her until she was old.  “Praise the Lord” is NOT the right response when someone just lost their loved one.  Don’t argue with me either – I was just there, in that position.  It is a very vulnerable place to be.  You are not thinking clearly at this moment in time – especially if the way the person died was unexpected.

You know what meant the MOST to me?  A dear friend who couldn’t be there with me got my text saying my mom had passed and she called me on the phone.  She told me she was so sorry and she just sat on the phone with me and cried with me for the loss of my mom.  You see, it’s not always what you SAY to someone – it’s your actions.  She sat with me on the phone for over 2 minutes and just cried.  She told me she loved me and would be praying for strength and peace.

I write this because I know it can be difficult to know what to do in these situations.  My point is to just be there, whether in person or a phone call or text.  Sometimes not saying anything at all, but just sharing in someone’s grief is the most powerful thing that you can do.  That call felt like a hug from Christ Himself.

I dedicate this post to my dear friend, Myrtha.  I love you.

Fleeting Memories

She was safe.
Her smile could light up a room.
Her laugh had a childlike innocence.
She loved with abandon.

I can still remember what it felt like to lay my head on her chest and listen to her breathing in and out as she read me bedtime stories.
Her voice was mesmerizing.
I loved the smell of that flowery perfume she always wore when I was a little girl.

She was a quiet spirit.
Quiet is sometimes interpreted as weak but she was so strong.
She knew how to pray.
She was my friend.

She wasn’t perfect but she was always striving to be better.
Her lifelong dream was to be a mom.
She achieved her dream.
She is my mom.
I love her always, forever and eternity.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

A Special Bond

Did I tell you my mom owned 5 kittens before she died? I had recently visited her and fell in love with one of them. My husband was not excited about the idea of us taking one (we are still grieving the loss of our dog who passed away January 31, 2012). In fact, he said “No,” when I asked if we could take one.

One kitty in particular had already stolen my heart. I spent the weekend of March 16-18 taking pictures of her and playing with her.

After my mom passed away, I told my husband, “You know, you have to let me have this kitten now.” His simple reply was, “Yes.” So, that’s that! I now have a sweet kitten! Not just any kitten though. This kitten is special. This kitten was loved and brought into this world with the help of my mom. She was there the entire time mama kitty was giving birth to all these kittens. We were looking at her calendar after she passed and she was documenting important moments in their lives, just like a mother would do with her baby. We share a special bond. We were both loved by my mom. Enjoy the pictures – isn’t she cute?

P.S. I named her Debbie in honor of my mom.