Category Archives: Sarcasm: [sahr-kaz-uhm]

WTH?

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Just one of those things that always bothers me…IMG_9700 IMG_9701

Every time I walk through the undergarment area in a store, I always laugh at the models they use to promote the modern-day corset undergarments. Really? Are these the people wearing these things? Come on. Are the ladies who actually wear these thinking that these models are heavier under these garments but that the “ULTRA FIRM CONTROL” has made these women appear to be a size 2?

PUT A WOMAN WHO ACTUALLY NEEDS ONE OF THESE GARMENTS ON THE PACKAGE. That is the only realistic way to market these things. But they couldn’t do that because we all know that all these things do is push fat from one area into another. No one is losing a size. The only way to do that is diet and exercise. The models in these photos haven’t lost a size. All these garments did for them was emphasize their already small shape.

Get real.

My Apartment: An Active War Zone

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Roaches BEWARE

Roaches BEWARE

I hate going to my apartment after dark because there are GIANT roaches that wait outside on the concrete steps.  There are 30 or so steps that I have to take down to my apartment.  I see it as a war zone and I am the enemy.  I think one day that I will have to strap roach fogger spray to my body and run up and down those stairs until I’ve killed them all and I’ve passed out from the fumes.  I hate roaches.  I think they should all die a slow, painful death.

So, the other night I was moving stuff into my apartment and I start coming down the stairs with my first load.  I see one on the stairs…looking at me.  His disgusting roach gaze met me.  I thought of turning back.  But alas, I had about 7 more trips from my car to my apartment and I decided I wasn’t going to let this evil villain stop me from accomplishing the task at hand.  So I marched forward.  He turned and watched me as I went.  I could feel him staring at me.  And then I rounded the corner.  He must have called for backup because his nastier and MUCH larger friend was waiting for me.  I panicked…backing into the corner…but then realized that there could be one behind me too.  Then the rage came up inside of me.  Like that moment in The Patriot where Mel Gibson goes into a fury and slaughters all those enemy soldiers.  That was me.  There was death in my eyes.  I took off a shoe and threw it at the monster.  I was still scared though and so my shaky throw intended to smash and kill the giant monster missed him…but I scared him.  He felt my fury and he ran.
I took my load inside and made my way back out and up those steps, this time with a little more fire in my step.  As I walked toward these nasty creatures, they scattered away from me.  I felt myself becoming more and more confident.  After the 3rd trip, I realized 2 things:

  1. Roaches are more afraid of me than I am of them.
  2. The more of a commotion I make when they are near, the more afraid they become and the faster they run away.

So, each and every time I came down those stairs, I jumped and made a big commotion and the little bastards ran away…until the 5th trip…one met me in the middle of the sidewalk.  I couldn’t go around him and my commotion didn’t seem to bother him.  It was a battle of wills.  He was turned to his side and as I got closer to him, I felt a tinge of fear and I hesitated.  He felt it too and he turned toward me.  There we were, looking at each other for a split second.  Someone had to make a choice.  So I did it.  I smashed the evil demon under my foot.  I then moved my foot and looked at what I had done.  He laid there, twitching in pain.  I thought about leaving him there the way he was but I wanted to send a message to his militia.  And this is no stretch of the truth.  I actually did this.  I smashed him as hard as I could under my foot, then looked down and made sure that he was no longer recognizable as a living thing.  Then I looked down to the 30 or so steps ahead of me and I saw the rest of his force and I said out loud, “Let that be a lesson to you all.”  And I meant it.

No other roach came anywhere near me the rest of the night.  I used to fear their deathly stares but now they fear ME.  So, for all of you roaches out there, beware.  I have a vendetta to kill you all.  And this first death was only a lesson.  The rest of you will not be so lucky to die in such a humane way…

Penguins Can Fly?

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PenguinsI recently visited the Georgia Aquarium.  I love that place.  I could sit there all day staring at those fish 🙂

Something else I could watch all day…PEOPLE.  People are so interesting.  I am a lover of humor and I find the natural things people do quite humorous.  So, I’m at the Georgia Aquarium and I’m watching the penguins (yay penguins!).  I overhear these 2 know-it-alls conversing.  They’re going back and forth about stuff they obviously have no idea about (I’m chuckling to myself).  The penguins are wearing these little beads on their wing (pictured).  I don’t know what it’s for but I assume it is some type of marker so they can tell the penguins apart.  I make a joke that the penguins are wearing little bracelets.  Know-it-all number 1 (I will here on out refer to her as “Dumber” of the Dumb and Dumber duet) decides to answer me with her brilliant knowledge of all things penguin.  Dumber says, “That’s so that they can’t fly away.”

…o_O

First of all, the penguins are in a glass enclosure indoors.  Second, PENGUINS CAN’T FLY!  Hahahaha!

I laughed so hard.  Thank you Dumb and Dumber for making my trip to the Georgia Aquarium awesome.  Besides the ginormous whale shark, the icky octopus and the sea dragon, you were one of my favorite experiences of the day.

Photos

Jelly Fish

Fishies 🙂

More Fishies 🙂

So yeah…I’m 33…

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This is Brutus, my buddy.  He got dressed up for my 30th birthday :)

This is Brutus, my buddy. He got all dressed up for my 30th birthday 🙂

Since turning 20, I’ve always had weirdness around my birthday.  I don’t like getting older so I see my birthday as a reminder that it’s out of my hands and there’s nothing I can do about it…the number keeps going up.  You know what though?  I was looking at a photo of myself from a few years ago and I look better now than I did then!  Why spoil my birthday with yucky thoughts about getting older?  So let’s be positive about aging.  There’s nothing we can do about it anyway so let’s be happy.

Getting older has its advantages too, you know.  Here are some good things about getting older:

  1. This rule is not hard-and-fast but usually you gain wisdom with age…although I know some pretty dumb older people…so that’s why I say it’s not for sure…usually.  If you aren’t getting wiser with age, maybe you need to read more or take some ginkgo biloba (does that stuff really work?).  Get that brain working – a non-working brain cannot gain wisdom.
  2. Eating cake.  Every birthday you get a piece of cake…now, the older you get, the less acceptable it is to eat a giant piece of cake.  Plus, with all that dieting and exercise you have to do because you’re getting older, you get a much deserved piece of cake…ahem…or two.  Now, this doesn’t have anything to do with old age.  Even the toddler gets to smash a piece of cake into his face on his special day so enjoy it until the day your teeth fall out…and then eat the icing.
  3. People usually become forgetful as they get older.  This has to be the best one I would think.  Let’s say you’re not forgetful yet…but people your age usually are…lean on that.  It will get you out of a lot of trouble (wink, wink).
  4. Reading glasses.  I just visited the eye doctor last week and she told me that once I turn 40, I will need glasses to read close up.  This doesn’t excite me at all…but for all of you dumb folks out there without any wisdom…this COULD give you the appearance of intelligence.  So that’s good.
  5. Your own personal holiday.  Don’t fall under the assumption that just because 20,000,000 other people were born on the same day as you that this day doesn’t belong to you.  And if you work in an office where you share a birthday, duke it out ahead of time.  We all need our special holiday.  Don’t share.  It’s the only day you can be selfish and no one can say anything.

That’s it.  The world as I see it.  Be happy everybody…and a little selfish too 😉

Elevator Ghost…

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This is definitely mean but I also couldn’t stop laughing.  Everyone needs a good laugh now and then…I don’t usually like to laugh at someone else’s expense but this is too damn funny not to share.

By the way – apparently this prank scared some of these people so badly that they are suing.

Jane For President

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Today is my Dad’s Birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!!!) and he has to work.  This got me to thinking…everyone should always get their birthday off.  It should be a law.  Paid holiday.  And if you don’t have a job, the government will send you $20.  This thought made me think even more and I developed a list of laws that I would put into place if I were to be president.

  1. No working on your birthday.
  2. 3 day weekends every week – 2 days is not enough (oh and so that you don’t receive a pay cut because of the extra day off – Friday’s are paid…which makes the phrase TGIF even more meaningful).
  3. Racism is against the law.  Screw free speech (well not all free speech, just the part that allows you to judge others by the color of their skin…free speech is a good thing…please don’t send me hate mail).
  4. Child molesters get the death penalty.  No second chance.  You mess with a child and you’re not allowed to live anymore.  Better get right with God really quick because you’re about to meet Him.
  5. All models who weigh less than 120 pounds will be outlawed.  Sick of seeing their skinny asses on the front of all the magazines.  I will redefine real, natural beauty.  Oh, and no more air brushing.
  6. Men are not allowed to wear skinny jeans.  Sorry guys – not attractive (let the hate mail flow).
  7. Pets can be added to your insurance policies for the same price as a dependent.
  8. Everyone gets a free car every 10 years on their birthday (unless you’re only 10 years old).  This will not be government-funded.  Car manufacturers will be forced to do this as a public service and to keep pollution down.  Free cars for everyone!
  9. Disney World is FREE for everyone one time every 3 years.  Everyone needs to visit the happiest place on earth regardless of whether they can afford it.  Their tickets are so damn expensive, I’m sure they can afford this as a service to the public.
  10. I like to give away free stuff so I think I would give a free unicorn to everyone who voted for me.  If you don’t like unicorns, I’ll give you a dinosaur instead – just let me know your preference.

JANE FOR PRESIDENT!!!