Monthly Archives: April 2012

Think Before You Speak

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Think before you speak.

20120430-011950.jpgSomeone once told me, “You have kind of a big nose.” I’ve been sensitive about my looks ever since. Another person once said, “You’re just plain. Nothing special about your beauty – just average.” I’ve felt ugly ever since. Another person once said about me to someone else, “She’s not smart.” I cried for days over that one and it still hurts to this day. The list goes on for me.

My mom once told me that someone nominated her for something in high school. She overheard someone say about her, “Who would vote for her?” and then called her a name. She told me many times in her life that those words resurfaced quite often in her life and they always hurt just as bad. She suffered from depression as long as I can remember and even tried to kill herself when I was a little girl. Did those words spoken flippantly by an idiot about my sweet mom have anything to do with that?

This post is short and sweet. I just want to make a point. Think before you speak. The words you flippantly speak to another person may haunt them their entire life. Let your words bring healing and love, not poison.

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I Got To See My Deceased Mom Last Night

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There was nothing special about this dream…at least not to anyone else. But it was special to me. In this dream, my mom was still alive. It was like she had never left us and life was normal again. It was beautiful. I got to be with my mom and see her and hear her laughter and the sound of her smooth voice. I got to see that light in her eyes and that big smile she always had when I was around. And of course, she was wearing her “forgiven” pin on her shirt. She wore it every day, without fail. I can’t remember a time she was not wearing it.
This dream was a gift from God. I didn’t wake up sad. Frankly, I was kind of mad because I woke before it was over. I laid there, smiling and thinking about her and enveloping myself in the fragrant memory of her in my dream. I can’t remember any details now, only that she was there and laughing and I was happy.
I’ve been wondering about heaven a lot lately. What is it like up there? We know a few things, but there has to be so much more. Does she see me? I wonder if that’s part of it. I know this might sound crazy, but I send her messages through God. I ask Him to tell her things for me, things that will make her happy for me. Things I want to share with her that I would normally have called her to tell her about. When she first died, I was trying to tell God what to tell her and I couldn’t put it into words. I asked Him to take my heart and take all the feelings for my mom that have no words assigned to them and show it to her so she would know how I felt. I know He did.
She was always afraid that she had let me down as a mother. I found a recent text from her stating that fear. I wanted her to know (even though I had assured her many times how I thought she was a great mom) without doubt how I felt.
I am thankful for the dream I had last night. I am thankful it happened now and not a week ago. I say this because I am now in a new phase in my grieving. A week ago, I was still in extreme denial. Monday night, I suddenly realized that she really was gone. I cried for about an hour. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows what I’m talking about. It’s not like I didn’t know. It’s just that my mind couldn’t accept it. I think it must be some sort of natural defense mechanism. I still reach for my phone to call her on a regular basis but it’s not quite as traumatizing anymore. I don’t think I could have handled a dream with her in it a week ago. I would have woke up crying. God knows what we need when we need it. He knew I needed to see and hear my mom again so He gave me just that. Not right away like I had hoped, but in perfect timing, just like He always does. What a gift.

100 Likes: Thanks Everyone!

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Just wanted to give a shout out to my followers and anyone who has ever liked one of my posts! 
It means the world to me that you stopped by and took the time to read my post(s).

Just for fun, here’s 25 random facts about me:

  1. I used to have buck teeth but had braces twice – Thanks Dad!
  2. I once walked into a church service with toilet paper wrapped around my head because I had a headache. I was 7 or 8 years old at the time.
  3. I met my husband when I was about 11 years old.
  4. My middle name is Emily.
  5. I was 2 weeks late when I was born and weighed 9 pounds!
  6. I was born on the famous day that Julius Caesar was assassinated – “Beware the Ides of March!”
  7. I was a tom boy until I was in junior high school.
  8. I play the piano – but only when no one’s listening….I have stage fright.
  9. I contemplated eloping with my boyfriend in college – NOT CLINT! Thank God I had the sense not to!

    See? Told you I had buck teeth! Not sure which is worse though...the teeth or the hair!

  10. I got in trouble for jumping in the fountain at Palm Beach Atlantic University.
  11. I was once part of a funeral service for a fish named Earl…any Dixie Chick fans out there? We played the song “Earl Had to Die” and threw him into the Intracoastal Waterway in West Palm Beach…we video taped the whole thing.
  12. I took gymnastics for 6 years and my life dream used to be to be an Olympic gymnast and win a gold medal. I started too late in life though so quit when I was 16.
  13. After gymnastics, I took modeling lessons but realized how screwed up that industry was when they told me I should fast at least one day a week.
  14. I used to be in Brownies (girl scouts) but I beat up all the girls in my class!!!
  15. I used to suck my thumb (hence the buck teeth) but quit when my parents bribed me with a Popple…but I used to secretly suck my thumb in the bathroom…muah ha ha!
  16. My grandfather on my mom’s side was a war hero in WWII. He was a pilot and threw flares into the water to make it look like a runway and then lead the enemy away from the ship as he landed in the water.
  17. My hands are a miniature version of my dad’s hands.
  18. I look exactly like my mom.  We used to refer to each other as “twin.”
  19. My favorite movie is Oklahoma! (for the time being…it changes all the time)
  20. Before I loved Clint, the men I wanted to marry were: John Travolta and Brad Pitt.
  21. I LOVE rodents…all types. I’ve had over 25 hamsters in my life…and at least 3 of them were named “Hermy.” One was named Brad Pitt and he was married to Jane Clary.
  22. I killed a baby duckling when I was 4. I wanted to give him a bath with dish soap and it killed him 😦
  23. I used to collect jokers (from card decks).
  24. I got in trouble my senior year of high school for skipping BIBLE HISTORY class!!!
  25. Once I tried to light the grill for Clint and a BIG flame came up and singed off all my eyelashes and part of my eyebrows.

10 Things I Have Learned

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My sister, Margie, and me with my mom. We surprised her by coming to see her for Mother's Day weekend that year (May 2010). Isn't she pretty?

First of all, I’m not “over” the death of my mom.  That isn’t possible.  Anyone who has ever lost a loved one they were very close to knows what I’m talking about.  There is a hole in your heart that belongs to that special person.  To fill it with something or someone else would be a dishonor to them.  My mom left a hole in my heart and it will never be filled.  But that’s okay because no one else deserves that spot but her.  Second, I have learned a few things through the death of my mom (It hurts even just to type that).  I thought I’d share them with you.

  1. You don’t learn how to get through the loss of losing a parent. You just learn how to breathe again.
  2. When your entire life comes crumbling around you is when you find out who your true friends are. Some may surprise you because some aren’t there when you thought they would be. And others appear out of nowhere as if they were angels.
  3. No matter how far away I am from God, He is always there to pick me up.
  4. I’m stronger than I thought I was.
  5. I don’t understand God’s plan and that’s okay cause I don’t need to. It’s part of the beauty of being human and allowing Him to be God.
  6. One-liner texts or emails can make my day. Makes me know I haven’t been forgotten.
  7. Crying is a beautiful, healing thing.  Don’t hold it back.  God made it to help cleanse our body.  Let it out.  It is a sweet release.
  8. I need to treasure every single moment I have with those I love.
  9. NOTHING matters more than those I love.  I would give EVERYTHING I own to have even just a few moments more with my mom…but even that still wouldn’t be enough.
  10. My mom was a treasure here, on earth and I miss her every day in every way.