So I’ve Been Thinking…

Photo and caption by myself 🙂

You know that indignant feeling you get when someone has wronged you? That feeling that rises up inside you and can control you in either a negative or positive way? I’ve been thinking a lot today and I’ve come to some conclusions…

What’s inside that feeling? Let’s dissect it. I think the heart of it is anger…but then again, isn’t anger and sadness really one in the same? Isn’t sadness just suppressed anger and anger is sadness that is coming to the surface? What else? I think that this feeling is like an equation…but what comes after the equal sign? That’s the real question.

Many times in the past, that feeling has gotten the best of me…made me act out of the anger inside of it…but that can be good too. I think that anger is a natural feeling and when controlled, has a very important role in life. Anger makes a person not just roll over and let someone punch them; it makes you fight back. I believe all feelings are natural…it’s what you do with them that counts.

So what do you do when that feeling comes up inside you? I’ll tell you what I have done many times but what I decided NOT to let happen today. I usually let it control me and my feelings. But isn’t that giving the person who caused it just a little too much power? In a way, isn’t that kind of unfair to them? NO ONE should have that much control over your life. If they do, you need to figure out why. YOU are the ONLY person who has that much control over your life.

You. Period.

You are all the happiness you will ever need. You are in control of your feelings and your response to those feelings. If someone has come into your life (and if they haven’t yet, they will) and you are letting their actions/non-actions control how you feel, you shouldn’t be angry at them; you should be angry at YOU. Sure, whatever he/she did may have been really bad but it’s YOUR life. You decide how you’re going to live and feel about it.

I got that feeling today and I almost acted negatively. But then…that stirring anger came up inside me and I felt it say, “NO. No one will have this much control over my day.” I put a stop to it. And you know what? I had a pretty damn good day as a result of it. And now here I am writing this post about it…hopefully helping the 3 people who read my blog. 😉

So, next time you get that feeling, remember it’s a good thing. The anger and the sadness, it’s all good. Let it be your guide but make sure you remember that what’s on the other side of the equal sign is a positive. That’s up to you. Life’s gonna throw all kinds of stuff at you. You get to decide how you take it.

Be happy, everyone. You only have one life.

 

The Sunshine Blog Award

Thank you to Kent for nominating Jane’s Unsound Mind for a Sunshine Blog Award. This award is given by other writers to, “bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere.”

Ironically, this was not my goal when I started this blog. I’m super quiet and I have a tendency to keep things bottled up inside until they explode. I also have a sarcastic side that I don’t always get to let out. I started this blog to release all the crap I hold inside and to make people laugh with my sarcastic thoughts on life.

Well, if you have read any of my recent posts, you know that all that changed when my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. All the things I used to think and write about suddenly didn’t seem important anymore. I went from writing 3 or 4 posts a week to maybe 2 or 3 a month. I now write only when I’m inspired and lately, I only write about what I have learned from losing my mom. I don’t know where this blog is going. For those of you who started to follow me because I’m sometimes funny and a little sarcastic, don’t worry – nothing has changed. I expect I’ll be back to that soon. For those of you who followed me because of the inspirational things I have been writing about lately, don’t worry – that’s not going to change either. Actually, these ideas can sometimes marry together to make a great blog post. Sarcastic inspiration! After all, this blog is titled “Jane’s Unsound Mind.”

Thank you to Kent for nominating me and all you other awesome people who choose to read my thoughts. This has been very therapeutic for me in so many ways. It has also been a blessing to read others’ comments on how this blog has made them laugh or touched their life in some way.

Rules to Accept the Award:

1) Include the award logo in a post or somewhere on your blog.
2) Answer 10 questions about yourself.
3) Nominate 5 to 10 other fabulous bloggers.
4) Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.
5) Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

The 10 Questions…and Answers:
1) What is your favorite color? It used to be pink and still mostly is, but my mom’s favorite color was royal blue and I am finding myself drawn to it. Long story short – I love them both!
2) What is your favorite animal? Cats! Have you seen my new kitten?! I wrote a post about her so if you haven’t, click here!
3) What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Decaf coffee. Yeah, I’m off caffeine.  Read about THAT here.
4) Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. Still trying to figure out why I’m on Twitter.
5) What is your passion? Lately, it is photography. I was just getting into it before my mom passed. She was the first person I showed my gallery of pictures I am selling to and she was convinced I would be famous for it. This new passion has been another form of therapy for me through this difficult time.  Check out my gallery!
6) What is your favorite pattern? Weird question. How about my favorite shape? I LOVE hearts!!!
7) Do you prefer giving or getting presents? Giving.
8) What is your favorite number? 7
9) What is your favorite day of the week? Saturday. I love to sleep in.  Gotta get my 12.
10) What is your favorite flower? I’m a sucker for a rose…but I’m also girly and I love all things pretty 🙂

And My Nominees Are:
Soapbox Glory (Because she is my sister and she inspires me every day.)
Roam If You Want To (Because he is my brother-in-law and also my boss and one of the strongest people I have ever met.  He doesn’t update his blog often, but you should go check out his stories about how he and my husband traveled from Miami to the British Virgin Islands on his boat.  There are some really awesome stories of how God came through and truly saved their lives when all hope was lost.)
Never Give Up (Sami Awad is an inspiration to everyone.  I have personally met Sami twice and he is a true follower of Christ and is giving his all to see peace in the Holy Land between all people.
Firestone 2012 (The post she wrote entitled “And Jesus Wept” about a little girl was beautiful and touched my life.
Holy Ghost Bumps (He shows true courage and love for Christ in his posts about losing his daughter just a short time ago)
A Life Revived (I love reading about her workouts and how she relates all that to Christ.)

10 Things I Have Learned

My sister, Margie, and me with my mom. We surprised her by coming to see her for Mother's Day weekend that year (May 2010). Isn't she pretty?

First of all, I’m not “over” the death of my mom.  That isn’t possible.  Anyone who has ever lost a loved one they were very close to knows what I’m talking about.  There is a hole in your heart that belongs to that special person.  To fill it with something or someone else would be a dishonor to them.  My mom left a hole in my heart and it will never be filled.  But that’s okay because no one else deserves that spot but her.  Second, I have learned a few things through the death of my mom (It hurts even just to type that).  I thought I’d share them with you.

1. You don’t learn how to get through the loss of losing a parent. You just learn how to breathe again.
2. When your entire life comes crumbling around you is when you find out who your true friends are. Some may surprise you because some aren’t there when you thought they would be. And others appear out of nowhere as if they were angels.
3. No matter how far away I am from God, He is always there to pick me up.
4. I’m stronger than I thought I was.
5. I don’t understand God’s plan and that’s okay cause I don’t need to. It’s part of the beauty of being human and allowing Him to be God.
6. One-liner texts or emails can make my day. Makes me know I haven’t been forgotten.
7. Crying is a beautiful, healing thing.  Don’t hold it back.  God made it to help cleanse our body.  Let it out.  It is a sweet release.
8. I need to treasure every single moment I have with those I love.
9. NOTHING matters more than those I love.  I would give EVERYTHING I own to have even just a few moments more with my mom…but even that still wouldn’t be enough.
10. My mom was a treasure here, on earth and I miss her every day in every way.

Did I Really Say Good Bye Only A Week Ago?

This is the handkerchief that I used to cry tears on when my mom died. Jesus was and is still with us in our grief. John 11:35

This whole last week has been a blur. Exactly 1 week ago today at this very moment (12:24am on March 20, 2012), I said good bye for now. Why do I say for now? That’s because I know with certainty that I’ll see my mom again one day when I, too, pass from this life. I am joyful she is with the Lord.

However, I am also sad because I don’t have her here anymore. She was much too young to be taken from us. Of course, who is to say the time and the day when our loved ones be taken from us? God, the Author and perfecter of our faith. He knew her before she was born. He knit my beloved mother together inside her mother’s womb.
I want to share with you what those precious last moments with my mom on this earth were like.

At 11:53am on March 19, 2012, we noticed a significant drop in her heart rate and blood pressure. There were 4 of us gathered around her hospital bed. Margie, my older sister, Martin, my older brother, Tony, my uncle (my mom was like a 2nd mom to him since she is 18 years older than him), and me. We knew what was going to happen at that point. We told her it was okay, that we would all be okay, that it was time to be with Jesus and not to fight to live anymore. We played music for her (my mom loved music), ran our fingers through her silky hair, assured her that we were still with her and not to be afraid, and we wept.

This picture was taken March 17, 2012, only 2 days before she left us.

This went on until 12:22am when her levels kept lowering and then finally at 12:24am, her heart stopped beating altogether. There was no struggle. It was peaceful. At 12:24am, she left this world and stepped into the next world.
The world where there is no more pain or tears or sadness. The world where she worships her Jesus not in a church house, but at His feet. Do I wish she was still here? The selfish part of me says, “YES!” But I would never take her away from the paradise she now calls home.

How do I know my mom is in heaven? Because she is the one who introduced me to a man named Jesus Who lived and breathed and died and rose again for me, for us, for her.

I encourage you to read my previous post called, “A Life Remembered” to get a window view of who my mom was. I don’t ask you to read this so that I might get more “likes” or comments or followers. I ask you to read so that your life will be blessed by this woman who was “…a Christian, a wife, a mother and grandmother and friend by the grace of God” (my mom’s own words about herself). Here is an excerpt from that post:

“The last time I saw her well, she was standing on her porch in her purple robe waving good-bye to me. Before we could even get out of the driveway, she sent me a text that said, ‘I miss you.’ About a minute after that, she sent me the very last text she would ever send me. It said, ‘I love you now more than the day you were born.’ ”

One of the last things I said to her was, “Don’t worry about us, Mom. We’ll be okay.” And we will. Life will go on and we will be and ARE better people for having her to call “Mom.”

A Life Remembered

My mom’s funeral was yesterday.  I would like to share with you what I said about her.  I hope she was able to hear it.

I would like to tell you what it was like to be a child of Debbie Wilson, or as I like to call her, “Mom.” There were 3 of us siblings and she loved us equally. I can’t tell you how she showed her love to my siblings, Margie and Martin. That’s something you’ll have to ask them about because she showed her love to each of us in unique ways. But I can tell you how she loved me.

One of my first memories is of her teaching me how to pray. We prayed every night together. She never made me pray – I only prayed if I wanted to, but she prayed every night and I listened. I remember laying in bed and waiting for her to come in and read me a chapter from a book and sing songs with me. Sometimes she would just lay in bed with me and we would talk. I don’t remember what we talked about, but we talked a lot. Looking back, it must have been childish things that little girls think about but she was always attentive and never talked to me like a child.

She lifted me up in every way. She was always there, cheering me on for whatever new idea or occupation I had decided for myself. She told me I was beautiful every day. She told me so often that she actually had me believing that I was the most beautiful girl in the entire world…and maybe that was true because in her eyes I was, both her daughters were.

The name Jane means “God’s Gracious Gift.” Do you know why I know that? Not because I looked it up, but because she named me that BECAUSE of what it meant. She constantly reminded me of the meaning of my name my entire life. She wrote it in birthday cards, emails, letters, texts and on my Facebook wall. She wanted to make sure I knew that I was God’s gift to her. You know, when I was a little girl, I didn’t like my name. There were no other girls my age named Jane. They were all Heather, Sarah, Michelle, Jennifer, etc. I was just Jane. However, sometime in my 20s I really started to love the name and I love it even more now because it has such a special meaning.

My mom's Facebook bio

I used to get scared of the dark a lot. My mom would often let me sleep in the bed with her, but she also taught me to be brave. She taught me to repeat the verse, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord.” I still use that verse even to this day when I am afraid. She taught me to be brave and to not rely on her or my dad to get me through scary times (although I still do sometimes and that’s okay too) but she taught me to rely on my God to get me through trials. Today I am afraid. I am afraid of the emptiness that is going to flood over me when this is all over and done with. I am afraid of reaching for my phone because I want to tell her some good news and then realizing that she won’t be on the other end to pick it up. I am afraid of getting sick and not being able to call her to hear her soothing voice to make me feel better. BUT she knew this day would come and she equipped me for it. She taught me that “What time I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord.”

I was loved and I was taught how to love. There was a Christmas when we were kids that she couldn’t afford to get us gifts. A lot of kids would have been really sad about this. I’ll admit, it was disappointing to wake up to no presents under the tree, but us kids went into her room and gave our gift to her, filled with such love for our mother, knowing that she could give us nothing in return. She taught us to love and to expect nothing in return for loving. Just this week when looking through one of her Bibles, we came across something special she had written. She wrote, “I love You, Father. Thank You because Your love doesn’t depend on my love. You are love.”

She told me later in life that it made her sad that she was not the one to lead me to Christ and I told her that she WAS. She introduced me to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I can’t remember not knowing who He is because He was always part of our conversations. She laid the ground work for that perfect moment where everything in my life would come together and I would realize my need for Him. And I did. I was 13 years old and I was all alone when it happened. But I knew exactly what to do because she taught me that all I had to do was believe in Jesus as Lord and give Him control of my life. I did just that and I have her to thank.

She was a good mom and friend. She was safe. I was never afraid to tell her anything. She was trustworthy and the truest example of perfect love in a human I have experienced. She loved without expectations of any kind. She just loved as she saw her Savior love. I hope to one day be even half the woman she was. She is my mom, my friend, my confidante, my soft chest to lie on, my teacher, my mentor. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled and that’s okay because no one else deserves that space but her. She is quite certainly the most caring, loving, innocent, sweetest, most non-judgmental, BEAUTIFUL woman who has ever lived.

As some of you may know, my mom suffered from depression many times throughout her life. I want to share this part of her life with you because I think it is important for anyone else who also goes through seasons of sadness to hear. I want to read something else we found written in one of her Bibles about depression. May it touch you and challenge you in whatever it is that tempts you in this life. She writes, “My greatest temptation is to become depressed. When I become depressed, it is because I focus on my pain – my disappointment – my fear. In other words, I become self-absorbed rather than God absorbed. If my focus is on God where it should be, depression loses its power to control me.”

We had no idea how sick she was. My husband and I just spent this last weekend with her and her husband, Max, at their house. We laughed and talked and played with her kittens. We went out to eat at her favorite restaurant and stayed up late watching a movie. Sunday she went to church and then we talked a little more until about 2:30pm when it was time for my husband and I to drive back to Atlanta, GA. However, as customary for my mom, she wouldn’t let me leave until I did one last thing. I was her youngest. She called me, “baby.” She said to me right before we parted ways for the very last time, “Come here. You can’t leave until you sit in my lap.” And I did. I sat in my mom’s soft lap in her rocking chair one last time and she rocked me just like when I was a baby.

We got in our car and started to drive away. The last time I saw her well, she was standing on her porch in her purple robe waving good-bye to me. Before we could even get out of the driveway, she sent me a text that said, “I miss you.” About a minute after that, she sent me the very last text she would ever send me. It said, “I love you now more than the day you were born.”

However, she couldn’t be with us forever. At 12:24am on March 20, 2012, my beautiful mother met her Savior face to face. She will never feel pain again. I thank Jesus for making her whole again. She complained of pain for years and now there is no more pain.

I share all these things with all of you because I want you to know the amazing woman I had the honor to call mother for 32 years. I also want to remind you that you have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring. Show your love to those in your life. Are you not speaking to someone? Make it right before it’s too late. The argument won’t matter to you anymore once that person is no longer around. Make every moment count. Life is too short and much too fragile. Love so much that it hurts. Love with fierceness.

I love you, Mom.
http://vimeo.com/39028322