Tag Archives: comedy

My Apartment: An Active War Zone

Standard
Roaches BEWARE

Roaches BEWARE

I hate going to my apartment after dark because there are GIANT roaches that wait outside on the concrete steps.  There are 30 or so steps that I have to take down to my apartment.  I see it as a war zone and I am the enemy.  I think one day that I will have to strap roach fogger spray to my body and run up and down those stairs until I’ve killed them all and I’ve passed out from the fumes.  I hate roaches.  I think they should all die a slow, painful death.

So, the other night I was moving stuff into my apartment and I start coming down the stairs with my first load.  I see one on the stairs…looking at me.  His disgusting roach gaze met me.  I thought of turning back.  But alas, I had about 7 more trips from my car to my apartment and I decided I wasn’t going to let this evil villain stop me from accomplishing the task at hand.  So I marched forward.  He turned and watched me as I went.  I could feel him staring at me.  And then I rounded the corner.  He must have called for backup because his nastier and MUCH larger friend was waiting for me.  I panicked…backing into the corner…but then realized that there could be one behind me too.  Then the rage came up inside of me.  Like that moment in The Patriot where Mel Gibson goes into a fury and slaughters all those enemy soldiers.  That was me.  There was death in my eyes.  I took off a shoe and threw it at the monster.  I was still scared though and so my shaky throw intended to smash and kill the giant monster missed him…but I scared him.  He felt my fury and he ran.
I took my load inside and made my way back out and up those steps, this time with a little more fire in my step.  As I walked toward these nasty creatures, they scattered away from me.  I felt myself becoming more and more confident.  After the 3rd trip, I realized 2 things:

  1. Roaches are more afraid of me than I am of them.
  2. The more of a commotion I make when they are near, the more afraid they become and the faster they run away.

So, each and every time I came down those stairs, I jumped and made a big commotion and the little bastards ran away…until the 5th trip…one met me in the middle of the sidewalk.  I couldn’t go around him and my commotion didn’t seem to bother him.  It was a battle of wills.  He was turned to his side and as I got closer to him, I felt a tinge of fear and I hesitated.  He felt it too and he turned toward me.  There we were, looking at each other for a split second.  Someone had to make a choice.  So I did it.  I smashed the evil demon under my foot.  I then moved my foot and looked at what I had done.  He laid there, twitching in pain.  I thought about leaving him there the way he was but I wanted to send a message to his militia.  And this is no stretch of the truth.  I actually did this.  I smashed him as hard as I could under my foot, then looked down and made sure that he was no longer recognizable as a living thing.  Then I looked down to the 30 or so steps ahead of me and I saw the rest of his force and I said out loud, “Let that be a lesson to you all.”  And I meant it.

No other roach came anywhere near me the rest of the night.  I used to fear their deathly stares but now they fear ME.  So, for all of you roaches out there, beware.  I have a vendetta to kill you all.  And this first death was only a lesson.  The rest of you will not be so lucky to die in such a humane way…

Advertisements

Penguins Can Fly?

Standard

PenguinsI recently visited the Georgia Aquarium.  I love that place.  I could sit there all day staring at those fish 🙂

Something else I could watch all day…PEOPLE.  People are so interesting.  I am a lover of humor and I find the natural things people do quite humorous.  So, I’m at the Georgia Aquarium and I’m watching the penguins (yay penguins!).  I overhear these 2 know-it-alls conversing.  They’re going back and forth about stuff they obviously have no idea about (I’m chuckling to myself).  The penguins are wearing these little beads on their wing (pictured).  I don’t know what it’s for but I assume it is some type of marker so they can tell the penguins apart.  I make a joke that the penguins are wearing little bracelets.  Know-it-all number 1 (I will here on out refer to her as “Dumber” of the Dumb and Dumber duet) decides to answer me with her brilliant knowledge of all things penguin.  Dumber says, “That’s so that they can’t fly away.”

…o_O

First of all, the penguins are in a glass enclosure indoors.  Second, PENGUINS CAN’T FLY!  Hahahaha!

I laughed so hard.  Thank you Dumb and Dumber for making my trip to the Georgia Aquarium awesome.  Besides the ginormous whale shark, the icky octopus and the sea dragon, you were one of my favorite experiences of the day.

Photos

Jelly Fish

Fishies 🙂

More Fishies 🙂

Dear Siri: I love you

Standard

I hate texting.  What happened to the days when we used to talk on the phone with people?  I guess I’m old fashioned but I’d rather talk to someone than text a conversation to them.  If I just need to tell you one little thing, then yes, love the text.  I feel like we communicate a lot more than we used to but we are more antisocial than we’ve ever been.

One reason I hate texting so much is because I’m such a slow texter.  Hence my title: Dear Siri: I love you.  Siri is that awesome feature on the new iPhone.  She types my texts for me.  I just say out loud what I’d like to text to someone and she types it for me.  Love, love, love, love.  I didn’t use her when I first got my new iPhone 4S but now I’m obsessed.

Siri is also useful for some comic relief.  My husband and I sometimes just sit around and think of things to ask or say to her.  I love the sometimes sarcastic answers the nerds at Mac have made her say.  Here’s a few interesting remarks/questions we have made along with her answers:

  1. Remark: Siri, it’s my birthday.  Siri’s reply: Happy birthday!  Sorry, I didn’t get you anything.
  2. Question: Siri, what are you wearing?  Siri’s reply: Aluminosilicate glass and stainless steel.  Nice, huh?
  3. Remark: Siri, you’re a bitch.  Siri’s reply: I’m just trying to help you.  My reply: Sorry, now I feel bad.  Siri’s reply: It’s all good.
  4. Question: Can you sing for me?  Siri’s reply (in a monotone non-singing voice): Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do… I looked it up.  This is, in fact, a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLlF-fkC2Os
  5. Question: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?  Answer: 42 cords of wood, to be exact.  Everyone knows that.
  6. Remark: Talk dirty to me. Siri’s reply: Humus.  Compost.  Pumice.  Silt.  Gravel.
  7. Remark: Beam me up.  Siri’s reply: Please remove your belt, shoes and jacket and empty your pockets.

By the way – each time you ask her one of these questions, she gives you a new answer.  You never know what she’s going to say.  Love it.  Let me know if you have any funny questions you like to ask Siri!

Bathroom Pictures

Standard

20120218-214620.jpg
I despise it. Stop it, ladies (and yes, some gentlemen)! There is nothing flattering about your pretty face with a toilet in the background. I’ve even seen photos of girls in public restrooms and you can actually see the stall in the background with someone’s pants around her ankles! Do us all a favor and crop that shit out! Better yet, just stop altogether. There are so many other places to take a photo!
Let’s also not forget the lovely close ups of a girl on the toilet with the hand towel in the background. This should be embarrassing to you. Why subject the world to one of the most vulgar parts of what we, as human beings all do? However, you still don’t seem to have gotten the message.
Well, here it is. I will lay it out for you. Pictures at parties, in you car (hopefully not while driving), in front of the Eiffel Tower, dancing, performing, sleeping…I think you get the picture – these are OK. Pictures of you in the bathroom, on the toilet, 2 or more of you in front of the bathroom sink with the toilet in the background, etc., NOT OK. Got it? Good.